However, most of you are retards, and haven’t figured out how to download a podcast, or even listen to one.  So, until you pull your heads out of your asses, we will transcribe them for you.

We seriously fucking hate you.

The KHB

Feb. 1, 2010

BEGIN TRANSCRIPTION

Tim: Fuck….is this thing on?  I don’t know how to work this fucking button-machine thing, Jimmy.

Jimmy: No, don’t touch that one.  No, Tim.  Listen to me, it’s that one.  Right there.  The button, YOU FUCKING RETARD!

Tim: I’m touching the button, YOU FUCKING DICK!  FUCK YOU!  DON’T YELL AT ME!

Jimmy: Wait.  Pump the brakes.  It’s on, we’re recording.

Tim:  Heeeyyyy!  There you guys are!   We. Are. On. The. MUTHA-FUCK-IN AIRRRRR!

Jimmy: Yes we are.  Thank you, Tim, and welcome everyone and thanks for listening to the King Hell Bastards podcast for Monday February 1st, 2010.

Tim: Scoobs.

Jimmy: Scoobs

Tim: Today we’ll be discussing our scoobs weekends where we gang-banged our way up and down the East Coast, and later on we’ll be chatting-up the Super Bowl with this week’s guest, Andy Morales.

Jimmy: Great Tim, how you feeling this morning?  You look like shit.

Tim: McLoobs, it burns when I pee and I’m really hungover.

Jimmy: That’s not good for business..

Tim: No.  Seriously?  Why hasn’t there been a cure for hangovers yet?  Cancer & AIDS had their chance.  Hey scientists, it’s time to tackle an ailment that actually matters to Americans.  Do your fucking jobs!

Jimmy: I don’t think the hangover should be your biggest concern right now, but it looks like you found the cure right there.  What is that?  A little hair-of-the-dog?  It’s only 9am, a bit early to be drinking isnt it?

Tim: Oh, well, for one… fuck you.  And two….like my dad used to say, before he died from liver disease, “If I’m not wasted, then the day is.”  Plus, I saw you do a line off a Alanis Morrisette cd in the bathroom, so don’t preach to me, Tony Montana.

Jimmy: Well thanks, narc, but it wasn’t coke.  It was ritalin, and it’s prescription.

Tim: Yeah, prescription for the intern you bought it from.

Jimmy: Okay, let’s move on, shall we?

Tim: Yeah, did I tell you why I’m so hungover?

Jimmy: No, I assume it’s cause you drank a lot, but tell me about it.

Tim: Yeah, I drank a whole shit-load of beer while watching the Pro-Bowl yesterday.

Jimmy: That’s it?

Tim: Yeah, a whole shit-load though. And I fucked a girl who was a sixteen.

Jimmy: You fucked a sixteen year-old?  Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.  And scooooooobs.

Tim: No, no, no.  She was A sixteen.  Like I wasn’t sure if I should hit it or not.  I ended up hitting it though.  Worth it.

Jimmy: Why weren’t you sure about hitting it?

Tim: Cause she was fifteen.  How was your weekend?

Jimmy: Well you know that girl I’ve sort-of been dating?  Well we’ve been having a sort-of pregnancy scare lately.

Tim: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  That’s the worst.  Did you push her down the  stairs or punch her in the uterus?

Jimmy: No more than usual. It was actually a pretty good weekend though.  Pregnancy scares remind me that I’m alive.  Plus, we banged raw-dog all god-damned weekend since we didn’t have to worry about getting her pregnant.

Tim: Good strategy.  Condoms are for middle-schoolers.  So, is she not pregnant, or what?

Jimmy: Oh, I have no idea.  I just changed my cell number again.  She’ll never find me.

Tim: Class act Jimmy.  Class act.  I thought I got a girl pregnant once.  Turns out she was just getting fat.  Too many chalupas.  Either way, she was getting her fat ass dumped.

Jimmy: Worth it.  So, should we get to our caller?

Tim: Yeah, everyone please welcome Andy Morales.  Andy, you there?

Andy: Yes

Jimmy: So Andy, back to school for another semester at Tech.  What have you learned so far?

Andy: Oh, well, did you know that more white men died during the civil war to stop slavery than black men died throughout the period of American slavery?  Seems to me that they should be thanking us.

Tim: Wow, Andy.  I really don’t think that is true at all.  What class did you learn that in?

Andy: You know who’s a real faggot?

Jimmy: I guess we’re changing subjects then?

Andy: Yeah.  So you know who’s a real faggot?

Tim: Who Andy?

Andy: Hal Morra.

Jimmy: Wow, okay, Andy.  Let’s move on, stay on subject.  We’re here to talk football.

Tim: Yeah, let’s be nice to our loyal listeners.

Andy: Okay, and you know what else?  I have my hate list with me.

Tim: Your hate list?  What is that exactly, Andy?

Andy: Well, my therapist told me to make lists, and write everything down, to help me sort out all my problems.  So, I made a list of everyone I hate.

Jimmy:  I don’t know if that is productive but..

Andy: Yeah, exactly, you don’t, so shut the fuck up.  Right now.

Tim: Okay, calm down Andy, and why don’t you tell us more about your list.

Andy: Okay, number ten.  My brother.

Tim: You hate your brother?

Andy: Yes.

Jimmy: Why?  He’s your brother.

Andy: Did you guys see Rex Ryan flicked someone off?  Caused a whole hullabaloo!

Tim: Changing subjects again?

Andy: That was crazy.  I didn’t expect that to happen.  I mean the middle finger, gosh!

Jimmy: What the fuck is a hullaballo, Andy?

Andy: I hate you so much, Jimmy.  I hope you get some form of cancer.  Preferably one that sucks.

Jimmy: I’m sorry to hear that, Andy.

Andy: You’re number seven and number four on my hate list.

Tim: Why do you hate jimmy so much?

Andy: Hey!  You guys ready for the Super Bowl?  I know I sure am!

Tim: Well yeah.  That’s why we’re here.  Who do you think is going to shit the bed on Sunday, Andy?

Andy: I saw a shooting star once.  In the sky.

Tim: Andy, stay with us.  Drew Brees, first Super Bowl, versus Peyton Manning, been there, won that.  What should we expect?

Andy: Brees is a wegroe, and Peyton looks like he has downs syndrome.  That’s what I think.

Jimmy: Not relevant Andy.  Stay on topic please.

Andy: You know what is relevant to football?

Tim: What’s that?

Andy: Juli.

Jimmy: Okay.  I’ll bite.  How is she relevant?

Andy: Cause she’s probably down there right now looking for a husband, and all their dicks are gonna be so sore from ganging her, they won’t have a win left in them.

Jimmy: Fuck.  Okay.  Now I think it would be appropriate to change subjects.  Andy, while we have you here, you’re a fan, let’s talk Tech football.

Andy: Let’s.

Tim: Top ten ranking this past year.  Big win over Tennessee in the Chi-Fil-A Bowl a few weeks ago…were you happy with the way their season played out?

Andy: I hate Chick-Fil-A.  One time I ate it, then had really weird diahrrea.

Jimmy: What was weird about it?

Tim: Jimmy, please?  Andy?  Tech Football, what should we expect from them next season?

Andy: World domination, probably.  Virginia Tech football is the one thing i can get my dick behind. This is the greatest sports franchise in the history of mankind.

Jimmy: That’s a bit of an overstatement isnt it Andy?

Andy: I swear to God, Jimmy.  I am going to hate-fuck you.

Tim: Andy, Andy, I’m kinda intrigued by the fact that you are completely unhinged.  Tell me more about this hate list of yours, and all this anger you clearly have inside of you.

Andy: My therapist has me do it

Tim: Yeah, you told us that.  How long have you been seeing a therapist?

Andy: All Tech students have to.  They aren’t sure if the students are all crazy to go here, or we become crazy once we get here.  They just know that when we leave and enter the real world, we all tend to be a little…off.

Jimmy: Yeah, I can attest for that.

Andy: I HATE YOU!!!!   I HATE YOU!!!!   I HATE YOU!!!!   I HATE….[Connection Lost]

Jimmy: Alright, that’s about all the time we have for Andy, but good news, we have a surprise caller.  Please welcome Johnny MacDougal.  John?

John: Yeah, I’m here.

Tim: So, John, what’s up?

John: Oh, I just wanted to call to say that Andy is bat-shit-fuckin-crazy, and I have a list too.

Jimmy: A hate list?

John: No, not really.

Jimmy: Okay, what’s your list about?

John: It’s hard to explain really.  I’ll just read it.

Tim: Okay, go ahead.

John: My List of Cunts, by Johnny MacDougal…..number ten..Tim, you are a cunt.

Tim: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

John: Number nine…Armando, he is a big ol’ half-breed cunt.  Number eight…John Bavier, I don’t really know him, but he’s also a cunt…

Jimmy:  Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Johnny.  I think that’s enough.

Tim:  No, wait..  I want to know what number Jimmy is.

John: Oh, well like Andy’s list, he is on here twice as well….I’ll continue.  Number seven…Hansel, even though he’s so hot right now, he made my list, he’s a cunt.  Number six…..Nate, he looks like Dolph Lundgren, and guess what?  It makes him a cunt.  Number five….Bryan Nichols.  You guessed it, cunt.

Jimmy: Who the fuck is Bryan Nichols?

John: I don’t know, but he made my list.

Jimmy: Okay, well, I think that’s enough, Johnny.  This show is clearly not about offending our friends.

John: Hey guys!  What’s cool and hangs up?  [Connection Lost]

Tim: Wow, okay.  Thank you, John.  Maybe we should just wrap this shit-show up?

Jimmy: Good call.  Hey, Tim?

Tim: Yeah Jimmy?

Jimmy: I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier.  Bygones?

Tim: Bygones.  We’re scoobs.

Jimmy: Scoobs.  Okay, Tune in next week when special guest Chris Dettmar will provide us with some of his legendary comedy and will discuss his new website ratemyrectum.com, and Brian Cassitty will stop by to dish dirt regarding his camping trip with Juli.

Tim:  They fucked in a tent.

END OF TRANSCRIPTION

Love is in the air, isn’t it?

Let’s see, we have V-Day coming up soon.  Wedding planning in full effect in preparation for the springtime wedding season.  I saw two squirrels fucking on my balcony yesterday.  Ahhhhh!  Feels good doesn’t it?  It gets me a little hard.  But as you already know, with love comes the need for protection.  No, I don’t mean condoms.  What are we?  Middle-schoolers?  No, I mean the time-honored tradition of pre-nuptial agreements.  And we at KHB, with the help of our lovely lawyers, wanted to put you at ease in the season of love, by providing you with an air-tight pre-nup; giving you even more time to bone.

Just fill in the blanks, and consider your shit protected.

Legally yours,

The KHB

You’ve Been Chosen to Sign a Pre-Nuptial Agreement By the Law Firm of Scoobs, Scoobs, & McLoobs!!!

This pre-marital agreement is made on this ____ day of ______, 20__, between ________________ and ________________ .

Whereas both parties have been represented by independent counsel, both of Mr.__________ choosing, and whereas both parties have received a full and complete explanation of their legal rights, the consequences of entering into this pre-marital agreement, and the rights they would possess were it not for their voluntary entry into this agreement; and
Whereas both parties acknowledge that they have read and understand this agreement, have not been subjected to any form of coercion, duress, or pressure, and believe this agreement to be fair and to represent their intentions with regard to their assets and to any estate that shall result from their marriage;
The parties hereby agree as follows:

1) To not take any of Mr. ___________’s money. Even though he is filthy stinking rich and the female party is just a poor hot chick trying to make it in this crazy game we like to call life.

i. Upon signing this, Mr. ___________, out of the kindness of his heart, will defer possession of monetary assets previously earned from the party’s respectable career as a (Please circle one) Stripper/Stewardess/Hooters Waitress/1st Grade Teacher/Cheerleader/All of the above.

ii. Additionally, all further assets acquired through said endeavors, will be henceforth be the property or Mr. ____________.

2) To never once become pregnant or, in such a case, Mr. __________ is officially allowed to divorce the alternate party and start banging said party’s hot (Please circle one) Little Sister/Neighbor/Best Friend/Boss/Mom/Daughter/All of the above, because it is not the guy’s responsibility to prevent pregnancy.

3) At least one blowjob a day, sex whenever Mr. __________ wants, as well as some, “sweet lesbo shit” with other wives & friends are required. The female party also will not get jealous of the other women who might be hotter than her, because it’s said party’s fault for not getting to the gym enough.

4) Upon infidelity on the part of Mr. __________, high-fives will be exchanged all around, and herein referred to as “practicing”. Similarly, infidelity on the part of the female party shall be punishable by death, and a stern talking to will henceforth be given to ___________ for his unconscious efforts at nailing things that do not belong to him (Even if she “Eye-fucked the shit out of him”). _____________ will yet still be eligible for high-fives, including cross-streets and down-lows, seeing as she is a slut and Mr. _____________ knew this going into the whole thing.

5) Finally, upon signing this contract, the female party promises that she will not gain any more than five lbs. from her original “playing weight”. Exceptions to this rule apply only when she gets the mandatory boob job, which she will have to pay for with her own money, since Mr. ___________ is a busy man and does not have time to worry about such matters.

I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, licenses and identity herein and herein contained, et cetera, et cetera…Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum, et cetera, et
cetera…Memo bis punitor delicatum, et cetera, et cetera…Habeus corpus, et cetera, et
cetera…In vino veritas, et cetera, et cetera… Age quod agis, et cetera, et cetera….
Iuventus stultorum magister, et cetera, et cetera.. This agreement shall be binding and inure to the
gratitude, the signer of this document and their assigned legal representative will
promptly blow Mr. _____________ and his lawyer immediately after signing this contract.

With proper signature below, full proprietary rights of signer’s “Soul” are duly transferred
in full to Scoobs, Scoobs, & McLoobs, et cetera.

Signature of Bitch _____________________ Date

Signature of Sucker____________________ Date

Signed in the presence of:
Name____________ Signature_______________
Name____________ Signature_______________

Feel free to write in with your questions, and Johnny will help you with the shit-show you call your life.

And remember.  Your life doesn’t suck; just everything up until this point did.

Affectionately yours,

The KHB

___

Dear John,

I got a DUI this weekend. Any advice on how to get out of it when I go to court? -Hal Mara

Thanks for writing Hal. Unfortunately for you, I never get caught when I drive drunk, because I’m not a fucking moron like you seem to be.  But, lucky for you, a close friend of mine did get a few DUIs last year, and he had to go to jail for an entire month. Like him, I’d bet your biggest fear is getting raped. It really ate him up inside.  He ended up not taking a shower for the entire month. Because he was too busy getting raped.  Stay strong, Johnny

___

Dear John,

My wife caught me masterbating last week, and we just can’t seem to move past it. Any advice? – Nate Bowers

Nate, funny that you write about this, I got caught masterbating last week too. It was to a Highlights magazine, strangely enough. I don’t know who is more embarrassed by it though. Me, or my dentist.  Hope that helps.

___

Dear John,

I was thinking about getting a tattoo, but I can’t decide on anything.  Any ideas?  Do you have any tattoos?

-Juli

Hey girl,

Sure, I’ve got some ideas for you.  You could go with a unfinished sudoku puzzle on your lower back.  Those are fun.  Maybe a target between your shoulder-blades?  Since you asked, I do have two tattoos.  One is in a private place, and I’d prefer not to mention it.  The other is on my dick.  It says “WORDS” right down the shaft.  Cause my ex always used to say I put words in her mouth.    Good luck, Johnny

___

Dear John, I hooked up with a chick this weekend and don’t know if or when I should call her.  What do you think? -John Bovier

Hey John, here’s how I handle this problem. Whenever I hook up with a chick, I always wait two days to call her;  to tell her that I gave her herpes.  Thanks for writing in.

___

That’s all for now!  Thanks everyone!

From Johnny

Roses are Red

Herpes are Too

It turns out I have Them

And now so do You

It’s been gone for a long time now, probably because of something you did. You’ve been very bad.

So, with that, the KHB are offering up another poll to guide our chat. Preliminary questionnaires provided the current options, but feel free to add your own. If the poll disappears on you, which it’s been known to do, just write ideas down in the comments section.  The winning topic will be discussed thoroughly and comedically by the KHB tomorrow.

Take your bras off and vote!

John left us this past Sunday, February 15th 2009, the year of our Lord.

Our dear John became entangled in a desperate love affair between Friday’s hook-up, “The Troll”, and Saturday’s, “The Giant” (also known as “The Couch” by her close friends in the Philadelphia area, both for her oversized comfort, and her inability to get up and down stairs.)

Haunted by troll magic, John was tracked to Philadelphia early Sunday morning, where the Giant & Troll battled for John’s affection in a mountain-top lightning battle. Drunk on attention, and driven by boners, John scaled the mountain to intervene, and quite possibly talk the monsters into a threesome. Unfortunately, amidst desperate negotiations John was struck down, being simultaneously electrocuted by troll magic and crushed by the Giant’s strength.

John’s close personal friend, and fellow King Hell Bastard,  Armando “Pretty-Pants” Pakistan was witness to the event, stating, “John looked shocked by what happened, and crushed too.”

John will be remembered as a warrior & a poet, for his warm spirit, 9 inches, and his gracious manner.

Viewings are being held in Oakton High School auxiliary gymnasium until the charred & squished remains begin to stink.

Ok, I know what you’re thinking.  You missed season 2, and now you just cant keep up, so let me get you up to speed.  ”Hot Sauce” Johnny Mac took a little snowboarding trip with his boyfriend, Nathaniel, and left Armando Pakistan and James “BoatHouse” Grand to fend for themselves this weekend.  Needless-to-say, 37 boxes of taquitos, and 3 cans of PBR later, the two remaining boys of King Hell Bastard discovered the magic of time travel.

So, let’s just get down to the dingle, shall we?

KHB

J. William Grand: i hate you
i hate you so much
i cant believe you left us
i hope you break both your legs this weekend
and i hope your snowboard gets stolen by gypsies
by the time you are reading this
you will have broken both legs
a gypsy woman will be shredding on your board
and you will have spent a short stint in the hospital
so it is probably mid february by now for you
more or less, if you think about it, if you squeeze your mind-grapes, im not even talking to john
im talking to future-john right now
im talking into the future
INTO the future!
this is groundbreaking
so future-john, since it is february 19th when youre reading this
and youve missed the last 2 weeks
allow me to just go ahead and fill you in on what youve missed
feb 7, day 1:
nothing to report here, i hear you broke your legs, that sucks, keep your chin up…friend

Armando Pakistan: Jimmy told me
We’re talking INTO the future
this is making my taco pop
since you’ll be missing so much, i thought i’d keep you updated on things
new slang that is all over
“track & crack”
when we’re talking about going after a girl
we got to track her
then we got to crack her

J. William Grand: feb 8, day 2:
nothing to do today, so worked on my “personal record”.  Got to 3 before i had to go to church.  Knocked off another 6 afterwards.  I’m sore. I’ll get the record next time

Armando Pakistan: hey future-john, you know what i would do if i could go back in time like i can go forward?
id go back to WW2 and drop a bomb on a much more populated city
ive never even heard of hiroshima

J. William Grand: feb 9, day 3:
i’ve been cutting myself
just to feel something again, john

Armando Pakistan: i hope in the future i’ve achieved my dreams
namely becoming a pediatric gynecologist

J. William Grand: feb 10, day 4: nuclear war

Armando Pakistan: major new development
jimmy called me from the hospital
he was on a date with anna kornikova
and her ass fell out
like literally
her intestines were coming out of her asshole
it was fucked up
the doctors tried everything they could
and jimmy told them to never give up, because anna’s a fighter and that’s how she would want it
but she just didn’t make it

J. William Grand: feb 11, day 5: everyone is dead.  i’m all that is left

Armando Pakistan: big update:
i just shit my pants
bigger update:
i wasn’t even wearing them, i just shit on my pants that were on the floor by my bed
it’s what people do in the future

J. William Grand: feb 12, day 6: everyone was dead!
zombies are chasing me…
im so scared john…
i need you…
oh, jesus god, theyre here!

Armando Pakistan: another update
i just ate some tacos

J. William Grand: feb 13, day 7: it’s only me and my dog, rufus.
we drive the highways during the day, collecting food & gas.
killing zombies
i dont want to live, but i have to carry on, i’m all that is left

Armando Pakistan: update: i might poop my pants again
it’s not a certainty, but i have to poop, and i don’t want to go upstairs

J. William Grand: feb 14, day 8: happy valentines day!!!!!!!

Armando Pakistan: Update
Andria smelled my hand today
and she knew i was jo-ing
cause, as she said, “your hand smells like your dick”

J. William Grand: feb 15, day 9: i had to kill your zombie mom today. but not before we banged 17 times.  slut

J. William Grand: feb 16, day 10: i had to eat my dog today john, it was either that or arbys. i will never be that hungry

J. William Grand: feb 17, day 11: i joined a zombie adult hockey league, scored 7 goals, but someone cut my arm off with a chainsaw, and i got stuck under the ice, fucking zombies

J. William Grand: feb 18, day 12: fuuuuuuuuck
i just woke up
everything is fine
turns out ive been tripping my balls off for days
something armando gave me
fuuuuuuck
there’s a half-eaten dog here
and your mom is dead
but she looks pleased

J. William Grand: john
as you can probably see
since youre in the future and what-not
we’re moving to the caribbean
and we’re opening a rum bar
called Rum Bar
burgers and booze
thats all we carry
it’ll be a little shack down on the beach
we’ll have a bigger shack up on the hill where we live
they’ll take us in as locals
and eventually urge us to run for the island government
but no
we’re just here to relax
thank you for thinking of us though
but then things get really bad with the local thugs
theyve been smuggling dope
and then
they kill our families
during our family reunion
we’ll have no choice but to get more involved with the govt
ill become mayor
and youll become sheriff
and we’ll run them off OUR island
we’ll be heroes
but the power will get to our heads john
oh yes
we’ll become corrupt
and eventually the island folk, still empowered by our deeds
will rise up
and overtake us
and behead us in the town square
but john
they were right
we should not have been taking those bribes
and enslaving their women
we were wrong
and we got what we deserved
just think of our adventures in hell though!
i imagine they will be a lot like our caribbean adventures
we’ll be popular
and hell folk will urge us to join the govt
but no
we’re just here to relax

Oh how I want you in me

You are what you eat

With sadness upon us in these dark days, what with the struggling economy, a black president, and the never ending shit-storm of Julie’s period hanging over us, John and I thought we’d generously drop a bomb of awesome over each and every one of your heads, and give you a bit of insight into the finger-banging good time we call our lives.

Below you will find a two-day battle of drunken rants between myself, James William Grand, and our very own Super John MacDougal from this past weekend.  Each rant takes place while the other one was sleeping, or maybe just stroking his “bone density” (Bingo-Boingo! Julie just got wet!). What was going on in our old brain-boxes those nights? Got me, i’m not Ben Affleck, but we’ll piece it all together my little friends, won’t we? (rhetorical question faggots)

So kick back, relax, unzip, and enjoy…you filthy retards.

Love & boners,

James “Heidi Montag” William Grand

4:54 AM
J. William Grand: a guy on the street jus tasked me for a nickel
i really wanted to say “sorry, just got all these quarters”
or if he asked me for spare change, i could say, “sorry, i’m white, just got all these bills”
or hold a ten in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other
let him choose
then say
“see, beggers can be choosers!”
i went to a bar that is half bar, half arcade, but the old school arcade games
it is called barcade
and i got high scores on gallaga and then got all kinds of mythbuster ass
at the bar
there was this scoobs girl
and we were eye-fucking like donkeys
then she got up to leave with her friends
and she was like 3 1/2 feet tall
not like a midget
she looked normal, just tiny
just like she was really far off in the distance
we’re moving to colorado
Ballerado
ive decided
we’ll be roommates
bunk beds
i got bottom
bottom bunk too while we’re on the subject
but Ballerado
yeah
we”re gonna have a rule that if someone wants to visit
they have to bring toilet paper
cause ive been stealing toilet paper from work
and i got caught by the cleaning lady
and she said i cant do that anymore
and now i think she fucks with my desk
she’s the only one in her family with a job so she gets cocky
i cant see any way out of this
but Ballerado
we’d get all sorts of crazy mythbuster ass
take girls to mouth-town all the time
smash the gash
did big girl’s mom die when she was young?
cause that would explain her shitty clothes
and her general ugliness
she was raised by a man and never taught to be a woman
ugh
i hope man-girl gets cervical cancer
do you think
in the future
when robots have joined society
it will be considered racist
to go to a club and do the robot?
we wont be able to do the robot on primetime tv anymore
only on cable
and then someone will do the robot during the superbowl half time show
and shit will go down
and then after that, even if i do it on the radio i get in trouble
one time i did it by mistake when i dropped my keys
and i got all kinds of fines up my ass
your behavior has been unaccaptable
i have a lawyer with a lot of vowels in his name
and he will be contacting you
to cause the kinda pain that i feel inside
not really
but i wanted to see what that did to you
did it put to much stress on you?
i apologize
did you get dangerously overweight?
sleep apnia?
cervical cancer?
trouble getting the old shot in the air?
if you know what i mean
i’ll stay out of it
that;s none of my business
you look real weak right now
did you have an older gentleman ask you out on a date?
good luck
you should be psyched
i bet he has a fancy watch
a car with leather seats maybe
well what’s his story man?
i dont know what he’s into, but he seems creepy to me
but since when have i taken interest in the dudes you bang
cassidy was right about you
youve changed
youre a girl
a leather jacket wearing girl
i had a boss
and his dad was from maine
canada’s florida
and his name was eaf
whoa
wrong
it was bear
i misspelled
mistyped
it was bear
which is awesome
and he was a pest
he used to show up to the office drunk
cause he had trash for the dumpster
but my point is
i want my name to be bear
and my last name to be trapp
its austrian
get it john?
do you get it?
do you really get it?
cause it’s a metaphor
for religion
and for how elizabeth banks was in ever y movie in 2008
cause she killed samuel l jackson
and ate his soul
i bet you get it now
dont you?
ok, im gonna go
but im gonna drop some knowledge on you first
when you wear your superman pajamas
dont keep your glasses on
it doesnt make sense
are you superman or clark kent?
pick the pajamas or your vision
not both john
not both
listen
we cant do this
we cant go to bed arguing
now that we’re gonna be roommies in Ballerado
ill accept your apology
this time
i burnt my weiner
i made pizza
and i was eating it naked
and i placed the plate on my lap
and the heat went through the plate
to my weiner
have you been to chilis restuarant?
i just saw a commercial
and it looks delicious

2:17 AM
Johnny MacDougal: alright, so first things first
i think you drank just the right amount of bong water
because you were saying some weird shit last night
and i sort of understood most of it
but only cause i know your body so well
secondly, you’re right
we do need to move in together in ballerado
remember a few years ago when i wasn’t even living at your place
but i might as well have been
before will kicked me in the face and got a hunger for pissing people off
and we went out all the time
and actually met girls
and made fun of them
but they still wanted us
cause they knew
…they knew
like those chicks who were really underage, but we saw them all the time out
and you found out that one of them was a huge slut
but whenever we wanted to see them, they were off at school
which just made us want them more
cause that meant that they really were whores
i miss that
i want that again
except when we’re actually roomates, it’s that much better and easier
and we never have to buy anything for our place
cause on top of bringing tp
you also have to bring something for the home
we’ll have so much toilet paper and window cleaner
and doilies
doilies, jimmy!
we’ll have so many doilies we can just throw them out when one gets dirty
someone will spill something on the doily
and they’ll feel terrible
and want to clean it
and we won’t even look, we’ll just say “toss it”
“no, it’s fine, i’ll wash it right now” they’ll say
“it’s fine…toss it”
“but…it’s a doily, these things aren’t cheap”
“give me the doily”
“okay, here you are…again, i’m really sorry…oh my god, you just threw that right in the trash can”
“shut up faggot, watch this”
“wow, where did you get that brand new doily from?”
that conversation can be had at least a dozen times a year at our place
cause we have awesome house rules
but this brings me to my next point
we need a wheelchair
i was at the mall today, bored out of my mind, cause some shithead spanish kids from my school wanted to go shopping
so i go into barnes and noble
the book store, barnes and noble
to pick up some…incidentals
and i see this hot chick
just walking around
minding her own business
being hot
and normally i go for the cute type of girl
nothing flashy
nice face
decent body
huge whore
you know…cute
but the thing i noticed about this girl was that she was a great mixture of cute and hot
an upgrade…if you will
a hybrid
i also notice that she’s looking at a book that i had already read
this is where my inability to detach reality from television becomes a danger
because in movies, i would simply say something witty about the book
she’d smile
i’d smile back
and then a little while later, another crazy circumstance would bring us together
and we’d bang
so i just assumed that would happen here
so i said “i read that, i liked the movie better”
the book was freakanomics…i’m sure you’re aware that no movie was based on this book
she laughed
either cause she actually got the joke or cause she’s a whore and just loves any attention from a guy
i’d accept either answer
of course in the movies, she would’ve said something just as witty back, we would’ve had more witty banter, i love the word witty…and banter, and then you know the rest
of course, this is real life and i pretty much had shot my load with that line
she giggled and i had nothing
so i awkwardly go back to looking at books
desperately trying to find something to banter on
then what happens next?
you guessed it…dude in a wheelchair comes up
i don’t think he was even trying to flirt with her
in fact, he probably isn’t even into chicks
not cause he’s gay
but because he can’t feel anything below his waist
so what’s the point
it’s not like they’re just fun to talk to
they’ve only experienced things that are in rolling range of them
regardless
i see them talking
i don’t know if they knew each other already or what
all i know is
i was out of the picture
all my hopes and dreams
gone
all because this lucky fuck gets to sit on his ass all day rolling down hills
so that’s when i started thinking…how can i use a wheelchair to get laid, but not have to be in a wheel chair all the time
and it hit me
miracle recovery sex
you get a wheelchair
go around in your neighborhood for a few weeks in it
for example, where you live is perfect
people will start to recognize you
open doors for you
sure, it’s probably not the most convenient way of life
but the second you get home…pop, you’re up and walking
besides, i’ll bet roll-aids get all sorts of free shit and pity gifts
so you do that
until you’ve met a few girls
flirted with them
shown that you’re a great guy, who just got dealt a bad hand
then
once you’ve established that
you’re up and walking
obviously you can’t be a great walker
which is why a cane is our best friend
not only does it look sweet
but it legitmizes our story
plus you have something to toss to someone whenever you enter a room
or you can just walk like a black guy
like you’ve had the clap
so you’re walking around
and you start to see the people who recognize you
the girls are saying “oh my god, you’re walking!”
“yup…i’ve been up for about 2 weeks now…the physical therapy worked wonders”
so now you get to be a normal walker
and can have normal walker sex
but you still get all the free attention wheelchair crips got
sure, it’s not a perfect plan
some girls might be skeptical
but fuck them
they’re cunts anyways and probably munch box
anyways
that’s what i think
also, did you know that Five Guys won best burger in d.c. in 99, 01-07?
what happened in 2000?
i need to know this
was there an unfortunate incident involving the hamburgler?
or did they just flat out get beat?
they got cocky after that first year
thought their shit didn’t stink
and got lazy
but oh boy
did they learn their lesson
they remember that feeling of losing
and they use it to fuel them, year in and year out
that’s impressive
they’re an inspiration
and that’s why i was crying when i was pooping
don’t judge me
there’s no shame in deficrying
have you seen those commercials for the DVDs of never before seen footage of WWII in germany and hitler documentaries?
they talk about how it’ll change people’s minds about the war and shit
then it gives a bunch of quotes from people
saying things like “this video will send chills down the spine”
“some of these scenes will forever be etched in your memory”
i want my quote in there
“the holocaust stuff has some of the best CGI work i have ever seen!” – J.M.
i know, i know…that was a big set up just to tell you something you already knew
i’m sorry
i’m just so passionate about this
and you know how i get about my passions
i’m very passionate about my passions
you should put that on your resume
passionate about my passions
also, chances are you’re giving this resume to a dude
you should draw a picture of chicks with huge tits
and a gaping oval
go navy beat army
i think my biggest fear is that i’m hooking up with a girl
and things start to really get going
then in the middle of it
she asks me to take a dump on her
but i’m not scared that i’d be so grossed out
or even that i wouldn’t be able to perform
no
my fear comes from the fact that my dumps are personal to me
i can’t just share them with anyone
it’d be like if i was banging a chick and she just asks me to whip out my diary and start reading from my sophomore year in high schol
i can’t even talk about this anymore
i feel so exposed right now
i’m going to go apologize to my toilet
or as i like to call it
…my best friend